TIP SHEETS: TALKING POINTS FOR PARENTS

TIP Sheet 1: Safeguarding Your Children Online
TIP Sheet 2: What to Look for: Signs of Youth and Porn
TIP Sheet 3: Different Types of Sexual Addiction
TIP Sheet 4: Do You Have a Problem?
TIP Sheet 5: Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST):
TIP Sheet 6: Are You a Co-Addict?
TIP Sheet 7: Internet Facts/Safety
TIP Sheet 8: Internet/Computer Vocabulary
TIP Sheet 9: Eluding Internet Predators
TIP Sheet 10: Rules for Social Networking

 

TIP Sheet 1: Safeguarding Your Children Online

While online computer exploration opens a world of possibilities for young people, expanding their horizons and exposing them to different cultures and ways of life, they can be exposed to dangers as they explore the information highway. There are individuals who attempt to sexually exploit children through the use of online services and the Internet.

The following is a list of helpful tips to protect your family:

1.  Develop a trusting relationship with your child early

2.  Keep the door of communication open

3.  If you have reason to suspect your child is viewing inappropriate sites, do not overact - approach your son or daughter with respect

4.  Add to online profiles that you monitor your child's use of the Internet

5.  Keep your computers in heavy traffic areas in your home

6.  Know your children's online friends

7.  Use a pre-filtered Internet Service Provider (ISP) - check www.FilterReview.com for help

8.  Check CDs, floppy and zip disks

9.  Check History Files often

10.  Spend time with your child as they surf the Internet

11.  Ask your child to show you what IM (instant messaging) looks like

12.  Spend time with your child online, and have them teach you about their favorite online destinations

13. Get to know and use the "Parental Controls" provided by your Internet Service Provider and/or blocking software

14.  Always maintain access to your child's online account, and randomly check his or her account

15.  Teach your child about responsible use of the resources on the Internet

16.  Find out what safeguards are used at your child's school, the public library and at the homes of your child's friends. These are all places, outside your supervision, where a child could encounter an on-line predator

17.  Instruct your child NEVER to arrange face-to-face meetings with someone they met online and NOT to respond to messages or bulletin board postings that are suggestive, obscene, belligerent or harassing

18.  Tell your child to NEVER give out identifying information such as name, address, school name or telephone number to people they don't know

19.  Explain to your child to NEVER post pictures of them on the Internet and let them know this has seriously harmed other children

20.  Teach your child to come and get you when they access something on the Internet that makes them feel uncomfortable, no matter what it is

21.  Teach your child that the Internet is a good source for educational, recreational and creative searches, but has intentional landmines placed that could hurt them

(http://www.nationalcoalition.org/internetporn/parenttips.html)

 

TIP Sheet 2: What To Look For: Signs Of Youth And Porn

(Excerpted from Sex, Lies and the Media: What Your Kids Know and Aren’t Telling You, Eva Marie Everson & Jessica Everson)

It happens, even to the best of kids from the most [conservative] homes. Kids get caught up in porn. It happened in my day with hidden Playboy magazines, and it happens today with the Internet. But how are you to know that one of your children has slipped into a forbidden world, blacker than black, more evil than evil? Here are a few signs there may be a problem.

• If you child spends a lot of time in chat rooms. Remember, the summer months and school vacations (such as Christmas, spring break, and so forth) are times of higher risk.

• If you find porn on your computer. Online sexual predators use photos—especially those with sexual images of adults and children—to show kids that sex is normal behavior and to heighten their sexual curiosity. When checking for porn on you computer, don’t forget to check CDs and diskettes.

• If your child begins receiving phone calls from adults—especially men—whom you don’t know. This is another good reason not to give your young children cell phones and private lines.

• If you phone records show that your child is making calls, especially long-distance calls, to numbers you don’t recognize. Remember, if your child has at least been savvy or obedient enough not to give out your phone number, there’s nothing stopping the predator from giving out his: “You can’t give out your phone number? I understand. That’s safety. Good for you. How about if I give you mine? That way, we can talk, and you won’t get in trouble.”

• If your child begins receiving anonymous gifts through the mail. A predator will spend any amount of money to get to his prey. Many have sent jewelry, CDs, DVDs and even plane tickets.

• If, when you enter the room, your child turns off the computer monitor or x’s out the page being visited. Also, if you see your child communication in chat rooms or via IMs in a “hidden language” (POS=Parents Over Shoulder; :ox=Shhh; PA=Parent Alert). When this happens, quickly ask what it means. Better yet, learn the language.

• If your child becomes withdrawn, preferring the cyber world to the real world. Such behavior may be an indication that your child has a problem with Internet Porn.

TIP Sheet 3: Different Types of Sexual Addiction

In Don’t Call It Love, Patrick Carnes identifies 11 different categories or types of sexual addiction:

1. Fantasy Sex: Thinking/obsessing about sexual adventures; inordinate amounts of time spent losing self in fantasy about future and past; neglecting commitments because of fantasy life; dramatizing a particular role in your fantasy; creating sexualized or seductive atmospheres that you prefer to keep as fantasy and not act; spending a large amount of time preparing for a sexual episode.
2. Seductive Role Sex: Having many relationships at the same time or one after another; using seduction to gain power over others; thinking that sex will give power over another; flirtatious or seductive behaviors; hustling in singles clubs, bars, or health clubs; maintaining open calendars or failing to make commitments in order to be available for sex; bringing sex or sexualized humor into conversations; having to be sexual in order to feel good about self.
3. Anonymous Sex: Engaging in sex with anonymous partners; cruising beaches, parks, parking lots, rest rooms and baths; having one-night stands; participating in group sex.
4. Paying For Sex: Paying for sexually explicit phone calls; using an escort of phone service; paying someone for sexual activity; using personal columns to find sex partners; patronizing saunas, massage parlors, or rap lounges.
5. Trading Sex: Making sexually-explicit videotapes and photographs; posing for sexually explicit videotapes and photographs; exposing yourself from stage or for hire; pimping others for sexual activities; receiving money for sexual activity; receiving drugs for sexual activity; administering drugs to force sexual activity.
6. Voyeuristic Sex: Using sexually-explicit magazines or videotapes; having collections of pornography at home or work; patronizing adult bookstores and strip shows; using binoculars or telescopes to watch people; looking through windows of apartments and houses; sexualizing others in public places; sexualizing materials not sexually explicit.
7. Exhibitionist Sex: Exposing yourself in public places, such as parks, streets and school yards; exposing yourself from your home or car; being sexual or dressing and undressing in public; using choice of clothing to expose yourself; belonging to a nudist club to find sex partners.
8. Intrusive Sex: Making inappropriate sexual advances or gestures; touching or fondling others without permission; using sexually-explicit stories, humor or language at inappropriate times or places; using power positions (e.g. as professional, clergy, or employer) to exploit or be sexual with another person; forcing sexual activity on any person, including your spouse or partner.
9. Pain Exchange: Receiving physical harm or pain during sexual activity to intensify sexual pleasure; causing physical harm or pain to a partner to intensify sexual pleasure; willingly giving up power or acting out the victim role in sexual activity; using sexual aids to enhance sexual experience.
10. Object Sex: Masturbating with objects; cross-dressing to add to sexual pleasure; using fetishes as part of sexual rituals; engaging in sexual activity with animals.
11. Sex With Children: Sharing inappropriate sexual information with children; exposing children to adult sexual activities; forcing sexual activity on a child within or without the family; engaging in sex with a consenting minor; watch child pornography.

 

TIP Sheet 4: Do You Have a Problem?

Answer these 13 questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction:

1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual [including pornography] or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
2. Have your needs driven you to have sex [including masturbation] in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from pacing problems?
5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex?
6. Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
7. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?
8. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
9. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual [including pornography] and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?
10. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?
11. Does your pursuit of sex [including pornography] or romantic relationships interfere with you spiritual beliefs or development?
12. Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
13. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, we would encourage you to seek out additional literature as a resource or to attend a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting to further assess your needs.

(Dr. Patrick Carnes, Contrary to Love: Healing the Sexual Addict)

Tip Sheet 5: Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST):

(Keep in mind as you consider the questions that “sexual behavior” and “sexual activity” include pornography and masturbation.)

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Have you subscribed or regularly purchased sexually explicit magazines like Playboy or Penthouse [or sexually explicit material on the Internet]?
3. Do your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?
6. Does your spouse [or significant other(s)] ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities [including pornography viewing]?
12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
13. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
14. Have you made promises to yourself to quit some aspect of your sexual behavior?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
16. Do you have to hide some of your sexual behavior form others?
17. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior?
19. Has sex [cybersex or pornography] been a way for you to escape your problems?
20. When you have sex [cybersex or view pornography] do you feel depressed afterwards?
21. Have you felt the need to discontinue a certain form a sexual activity?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors?
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?

When respondents to the SAST answered yes to 13 or more of the questions, Dr. Carnes and his colleagues found a 96.5% incidence of addiction.

TIP Sheet 6: Are You A Co-Addict?

The following observations and accompanying questions have proven helpful in identifying sexual co-addiction:

1. Symptoms of sexual issues in your primary relationship may be: sleeping too much, losing sleep, eating poorly, overeating, or increasing use of chemicals.
2. Do you focus more on your partner’s sexual attitudes, beliefs or needs than on your own?
3. Are you aware of trying to control your partner’s sexual actions or “thoughts” Are you aware of how this may be affecting you?
4. Does sex play an all-consuming role in your relationship?
5. Do you give in to the sexual demands of your partner even if they “turn you off”
6. Do you use sex to try to repair the relationship when it is strained (e.g., by health issues, money matters or business setbacks, etc.)?
7. Do you feel empty after having sex?
8. Do you seldom or never experience contented intimacy, trust or commitment with your partner?
9. Do you think everything would be “OK” if only you could provide “perfect” sex?
10. Do you compare your body and feel inadequate to those of persons in magazines, films, advertising and other media?
11. Do you neglect your own wants or those of your family to comply with the sexual desires of your partner?
12. Do you withdraw emotionally or have your mind on other things while having sex?
13. Do you engage in sexual activities with your partner that you are uncomfortable with or ashamed of?
14. Do you entertain the thought, “I’m not enough of a man or woman for my partner”?
15. Do you find sex uncomfortable versus being pleasurable?
16. Do you get accused of or feel that you are “old-fashioned” or “not with the times” sexually?
17. Have you read a number of sex “how to” books for yourself or at the request of your partner so you could perform better sexually?
18. Do you believe that you have to put up with certain behaviors that are repulsive to you in order to keep you partner?
19. Do you have a constant fear that your partner will leave?
20. Do you find it difficult or impossible to express to your partner your sexual needs and desires?
21. Do you feel that your partner does not sincerely try to meet you needs?
22. Do you lie about your sexual feelings or actions in order to please your partner (e.g., “faking orgasms”)?
23. Are you embarrassed to speak of you sexual behaviors with another person or a professional counselor?

If you suspect or know that your partner is a porn/sex addict and you answered “yes” to many of the above questions, you may be suffering from the disease known as co-addiction. Just as the sex addict lives in denial and finds it excruciatingly difficult to admit he has a “problem,” so it is most often with the co-addict.

COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) is a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else's compulsive sexual behavior. The COSA recovery program has been adapted from the 12-Step and 12-Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. (www.cosa-recovery.org)

The National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families (NCPCF) offers insights, guidelines and hope for those whose spouses use pornography in their brochure "It's Not Your Fault the One You Love Uses Porn." (www.nationalcoalition.org)

TIP Sheet 7: Internet Facts/Safety

If you don’t think your child’s Internet activities are something you should worry about, you might want to think again after reading these facts. Basically, parents no longer have the luxury of allowing their kids to be alone as they surf the net. The best bet for a parent when it comes to protecting their kids from the net, it to know where your child has been, and to be net-savvy.

• 87% of youth, or about 21 million teens, go online

• 87% of teens go online from home

• 78% of teens go online from school

• 74% of teens go online from a friend’s house

• 54% of teens go online from a library

• 9% of teens go online from a community center.

• 73% of teens who go online at home do so in an open family area

• 26% of teens who go online at home do so in a private place

• 45% of teens have a cell phone

• 57% of older teens (15-17) have a cell phone

• 32% of younger teens (12-14) have a cell phone

• Of the approximately 11 million teens who have a cell phone, 10% use it to connect to the Internet (this number is rising all of the time)

• 75% of online teens of 65 percent of all teens use Instant Messaging

• 56% of IM-ing teens have posted a profile (including name and other identifying information) where others can see it

• 56% of teens have more than one e-mail address or screen names

• 61% of boys have more than one e-mail address—almost 25 percent have four or more

• 60% of online teens have gotten an e-mail of IM from a total stranger and 63 percent have responded to such contacts

TIP Sheet 8: Internet/Computer Vocabulary

For a fantastic resource on Internet safety with tools and interactive learning, visit www.isafe.org. The following information was adapted from their parent curriculum with permission.

Terms and Definitions

Antivirus—software that helps protect a computer from malicious code

Attachment—a data file sent from one computer to another along with an e-mail or instant message

Browser—a software program that allows Internet users to interact with, navigate, or “browse” parts of the Internet (examples of popular browsers include Netscape and Internet Explorer)

Buddy List—instant-message addresses of favorite users (list enables designated users to know when their “buddy” is online so both can easily communicate)

Bulletin boards—message boards: public areas on the Internet where messages or comments can be posted for other board members to read and reply to

Chat room—a virtual room or gathering place for Internet users who have shared interests to congregate and converse

Chat software—a type of Internet-based application that enables groups of people to get together in a chat room and converse in real time through typewritten messages

Code—written instructions in a computing language

Copyright—the exclusive legal rights to reproduce, publish, and sell things produced by the person who owns the copyright

Cracker—a criminal or malicious hacker or intruder who breaks into computer systems to disable systems, delete files, or steal data, or simply for the challenge

Crash—the act of a computer’s operating system becoming inoperative

Cyber grooming—the process that online predators use to trick their victims by building false trust and relationships

Cyberspace—the virtual community on the Internet in which real people interact through electronic means download to copy information (data) from the Internet

File—the specific location of data within a computer record

File extensions—the three or more letters at the end of a file name (i.e. .exe, .jpg, or .doc) defining the ` file “type,” such as a text file, executable file, database file, or graphic file

Flame—a mean or hurtful e-mail message

Freeze—a computer screen that cannot be changed with an inoperable cursor (mouse action)

FW—forward: an indicator in the subject line of an e-mail that lets the recipient know a message has been redirected to them from another user

Hacker—a person who uses the Internet to break into a computer or computer network

Hacking—gaining illegal or unauthorized access to a computer file or network

Hardware—the physical machinery of the computer, monitor, keyboard, mouse, printer, etc.

Hate mail—harassing and/or threatening electronic mail

Hate site—a Web site dedicated to promoting intense hostility toward an individual or group

Identifying information—personal information that can be used by online predators to distinguish one person from another and possibly find a person in real life (i.e. name, gender, age, etc.)

Identity theft-when someone uses your personal info (social security number, credit card number, PIN number, etc.) to steal your identity for illegal purposes (the fastest growing crime in the United States)

IP—Implementation Plan: a form that must be completed and submitted to i-SAFE to notify us of an event, generate an ID number, and facilitate a store order for materials necessary for an event

IM—Instant Messaging: a real-time Internet communication application (While chat involves many users simultaneously, IM is one on one.)

Intellectual property—materials protected by copyright laws, including songs, movies, books, etc.

Internet—a worldwide network of interconnected computer networks (No government agency or other central authority controls its use.)

Internet safety—being educated and empowered to take control of online experiences by recognizing and making responsible decisions in potentially dangerous situations

ISP—Internet Service Provider: a vendor that provides Internet access to its customers

Looping—the term used to describe a Web site that will not allow exit

Malicious code—a computer program that is meant to hurt you and your computer (i.e. viruses, worms, and Trojan horses)

Netiquette—a blend of “network” and “etiquette” describing the informal code of Internet conduct

Parental controls—special features or software packages that enable restrictions on access to Internet sites

Password—a secret word or series of letters and numbers that one uses to gain access to an online service or the Internet, or to modify certain software like parental controls

Pharming—deceitful method used by identity thieves to redirect users to bogus sites with the intent of acquiring personal information

Phishing—method used to fraudulently acquire sensitive information, such as passwords and credit card details, by masquerading as a trustworthy person or business in an apparently official electronic communication, such as an e-mail or an instant message

Piracy—robbery on the high seas; robbery from Internet sites to produce counterfeit copyrighted software and other material

Plagiarism—stealing someone else’s work and pretending it’s yours

Posting—sending a message to an online message board to be viewed by the members of that board

PPT—PowerPoint presentation software: an electronic slideshow

PSAs—public-service announcements: a type of advertisement or announcement that educates people on specific issues like the need to be safe online

Predator—one who stalks or uses lies, secrecy, or stealth to get close enough to another person in order to easily hurt or harm them

PDP—Professional Development Program: the national program required for educators and law enforcement to be certified by i-SAFE to teach students and train others to teach

Program—an instruction set written in a computer language that makes a computer perform

Programmer—a person who develops computer-software programs

Screen name—name/nickname used to identify oneself in communications on the Internet

Search engine—a software program that allows one to perform searches on the Internet

Software—a computer program

Spam—mass mailing (or mass posting) of messages, also known as Internet junk mail (It is considered a serious breach of netiquette.)

Stalk—to obsessively pursue a person from place to place on the Internet, attempting tofind out personal information

Steganography—a technology that makes it possible to embed hidden information in documents, pictures, and music files, and send them undetected over the Internet social- networking site Web sites designed to encourage communication between persons of similar interests or geographic regions

Trojan horse—malicious code that appears harmless but, when executed, can launch a virus or worm

URL—Universal/Uniform Resource Locator: another name for a Web address (The URL is located at the top of a web page and generally begins with http//www.)

Virus—executable code (computer program) that infects or attaches itself to other executable code (computer programs) to perform a malicious or mischievous act, such as erasing or editing files, or locking up systems

Web site—a collection of pages or files on the World Wide Web that are linked together and managed by a company, institution, or individual

Worm—a self-propagating computer virus embedded in a file

TIP Sheet 9: Eluding Internet Predators

One in five children who use computer chat rooms has been sexually solicited online. Only one in four youth who received a sexual solicitation reported the incident to an adult.

i-SAFE Inc. created this list of tips and reminders that can be used to help recognize these potentially hazardous situations and to respond appropriately.

• Keep user names and profiles generic and anonymous.
Discuss your child’s online screen name, profile, and activities. Many provide too much personal information. Ensure all screen names and profiles are nonspecific.

• Avoid posting personal photos online.
Pictures can be altered to embarrass or humiliate. They also provide personal information that can help an Internet predator act familiar by pretending to know you, your children, and/or their friends.

• Always keep private information private.
With just three pieces of personal information, specialized Internet search engines can be used to locate someone anywhere. Internet conversations should never include any personal information.

• Place the family computer in an open area.
A responsible adult should always accompany minors while they access the Internet to provide support and direction should they be confronted with an aggressive solicitation or inappropriate materials.

• Remind children that online “friends” are still strangers.
Predators trick their victims into believing that they have similar interests and groom children to desire a more intimate relationship. The reality is that online friends are still strangers, and your child can never be sure that the person is who he or she says.

• Respect children’s privacy.
Respect your child’s privacy, but make certain he or she knows everyone on his or her e-mail or instant messenger “Buddy” list. Work to generate parent and child trust that supports open and honest Internet use.

• Become a part of your child’s online experience.
It can be a fun journey to explore the wonders of the Internet as a family. As computer-savvy as kids and teens are today, they will certainly teach you a thing or two!

• Be aware of phone calls or mail deliveries from unfamiliar persons.
Predators often call or send gifts to their potential victims in their process of grooming.

• Learn about the Internet.
The more you know about how the Internet works, the better prepared you are to teach your children about how online predators operate and what you can do together to identify and elude them.

TIP Sheet 10: Rules for Social Networking

• Set rules concerning social-networking sites.
Never reveal personal information online. Educate your child on the dangers of revealing personal information online. Ensure that your child knows not to post any personal information in his or her profile or in the content of his or her Web space. Other than the obvious, this includes e-mail address, instant-message (IM) contact information, sports teams, places frequented, or any other information that could allow a stranger to identify or contact them.

• Follow Web site age restrictions.
Most sites require users to be 13 and older. If your child is younger than the age limit, do not allow them to use the site. Activate security settings on the Web site. Have your children password-protect their web pages and set permissions to allow only persons they know to view and post to their bulletins.

• Discuss the dangers of communicating with strangers online.
Online friends are strangers, not “real” friends. Remind your child that he or she is never to meet an online friend in person, and if asked to do so, to notify you immediately.

• Evaluate the Web site.
Read the Web site’s privacy policy and code of conduct. Find out if the site monitors and removes inappropriate content posted on user pages.

• Spend time online with your child.
Ask your child to show you his or her social-networking page. Unfamiliar friends and inappropriate content can factor into a dangerous equation.

• Establish rules for posting pictures online.
Posting photographs openly online is dangerous. Details in photos could provide predators with identifiable information, such as street signs, license plates, and school or city locations. Photos can also be inappropriately altered. When sharing photos online, use password-protected online photo sites, and only reveal the password to persons you actually know.

(visit isafe.org for more information)